Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How's work?
Spinning.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
