My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
