Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Can you bring me the toilet please
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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