I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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