I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
