is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
