Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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