if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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