I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
