Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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