A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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