I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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