Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
