There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
