Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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