I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
