Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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