I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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