fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
