I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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