she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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