His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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