So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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