My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
