i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
