He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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