I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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