i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize