Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
