i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
