I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Randomize