I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize