Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
