we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize