I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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