I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
