K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
