Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Randomize
