Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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