he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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