You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize