The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
