Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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