so that wasnt chicken after all
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
