i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
