I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
