I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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