we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
