so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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