I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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