Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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