how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
