Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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