fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
