so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Randomize