I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
