sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
