Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
