i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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