I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
