I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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