tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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