she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
