At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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