I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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