I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
