I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
