Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
