God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
