Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Holy shit dude........stairs
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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