i need an iv and a liver transplant
he puts the penis in happiness.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
