I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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