my mouth tastes like poor choices
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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