Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
