I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
