I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize